(He’s not a Zelda Fan.)
Welcome to our first ‘The List’ entry. It’s basically a little segment of Top 10’s (not always 10, sometimes it could be 20 or just 5.), but nowhere near in depth. These will all be covered in a single or sometimes double article if it’s really that intense.
Our first category will be, gay characters in gaming, they don’t have to be outright gay, but if they scream flaming like a male Blood Elf warlock spamming hellfire, then they’re making the list. Oh, and just to clear things up, I’m a huge fan of gay characters in video games. In fact I’m Bisexual, so don’t go coming down on as me as some sort of gay basher or anything.
#10. Miles “Tails” Prower – Sonic
A few fangirls (Kova) might be sent into a rage right now. But if his voice acting doesn’t scream flaming, then this above photo sure as hell does. There was much heated debate back in the day over whether or not Tails as a girl or a boy, and that argument still occurs to this day on the occasion. Which is why Tails gets the #10 slot, regardless of his sex or sexual preference.
#9. Birdo/Ostro – Super Mario
I don’t think I really have to say too much, maybe I do, I’m not sure. Part of a giant conspiracy with Nintendo was covering up the cross-dressing drag queen known as Ostro (Birdo in the states.) While on the surface they claimed it was a girl through and through, eventually fans found out that this girl, actually had a sack of eggs, if you know what I mean. So, Birdo nets the #9 spot for being a sexually confused cross-dressing dinosaur. Yoshi and Birdo don’t make so much of a cute couple anymore, do they?
#8. Poison – Final Fight
Hey, speaking of transvestites and cross dressers, how about Poison from the Final Fight series? Yep. Sorry boys, she’s got a willy in those hot pants, obviously she uses the tuck method. Poison’s life of crime for Mad Gear was simply so he could afford a sex change, he went through all the hoops and loops but decided to keep his package intact. When the Final Fight series came out in America, they actually thought Poison was a 100% female character (guess there was no nude code back in those days), and so they made a big stink about men beating down women in a beat ’em up (so… what about those broads in Double Dragon & Streets of Rage?) Anyhow, long story short is they gave Poison a full blown sex change and turned her into a skinny dude. All of this confusing trans gender sexual operation action secures Poison the #8 spot.
#7. Ash – Streets of Rage
Since we’re talking about beat ’em ups, check out this guy. Ash was a boss in the Streets of Rage games, and he pranced around like the limp-wristed pansy he was. He also had all the sound effects of the female characters, even shrieked like a girl when you killed him. There was no beating around the bush here, he was 100% YMCA gay, at least Ash had the balls to say he was taking the sausage losange, which is why he placed 1 rank higher than Poison.
#6. Voldo – Soul Calibur
Once again, if you’re opposed to the notion that Voldo is gay, just check out that codpiece he has going on. Sure, you might think he’s just a fun loving gimp that likes to get beaten around by a hottie in leather, I mean, who wouldn’t want to do that, right? But, Voldo is lovingly devoted to his “master” and he can do a crab walk that would make any middle schooler in gym class feel ashamed which is why he secures the #6 spot.
#5. Bridget – Guilty Gear
Sorry lolita lovers, this young little nun is actually a very sexually confused boy. Bridget was born along with his twin brother, unfortunately for him twin boys were a sign of bad luck in his town, so his parents raised him as a little girl, glad my personal life wasn’t that fucked up when I was growing up. Sure, you can claim that it’s not his fault, and he’s not actually gay, but y’know what… he’s all grown up and left the village, it’s time to stop dressing up like a little nun and prancing around like a fairy, especially if you’re trying to dispel the gay rumor. All of his flamboyances definitely secures Bridget with the #5 spot, I mean just look at his little dance.
#4. Hana & Rain – Fear Effect
If the above picture doesn’t clue you in, these two are hot for the smiling taco. I believe they hold the role of the first official lesbians in any video game to date, with Fear Effect 2: Retro Helix. This whole lesbian gig, while a subplot of the actual game, was pretty much shoved into everybody’s faces in advertisements and hype. Remember kids, sex sells, and that’s why we have DOA: Beach Volleyball, and that’s why we have lesbians at the #4 spot.
#3. Flea/Mayonnaise – Chrono Trigger
Many Chrono Trigger fans will remember the famous line, “Male….Female…what does it matter? Power is beautiful, and I’ve got the power!” Flea was a guy, he didn’t deny that, but he also shifted shapes constantly, and his preferred shape was that of a full blown woman. He also had a lot of attacks that question his sexuality such as Heart, Blow Kiss, and Rainbow Storm, and he seduced your party members as well. In Chrono Cross Flea came back, however when scanned it claimed that his sex was indeed Female, which is true to some degree and false to another, Flea is an enigma of sexuality and he secures himself the #3 spot.
#2. Michael Doi – Bust-a-Groove
Michael Doi pretty much meets all the stereotypes of your typical gay. He’s a dance instructor, he prances around and does ballet, he talks with a lisp and has an annoying laugh. If he could be anymore gay, I’m sure he’d turn into a mecha-Kyan Douglas from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. You’d think there would be more to say about Michael Doi considering he has the #2 spot, but I think the above photo sums it all up nicely.
#1. Tingle – Zelda
I don’t think there’s a single person in America who likes Tingle. Originally as a big joke about Zelda fanboys/weeaboo and the such, Tingle is a little fat 35 year old man who sells maps while cosplaying as a forest fairy, since it’s his greatest dream in life. Not to mention he also enjoys hanging out with little boys almost as much as Michael Jackson, it’s fairly safe to say that Tingle DEFINITELY takes the #1 spot for being the creepiest pile of homosexuality mixed with a dash of child molester imaginable. You couldn’t get anymore gay if you tried.
UPDATE: There has been a few changes, and some explanations and honorable mentions. Find out more by reading Part 2!