Grumpy Game Guy: Fatul Furry Speshul

Today I review the most shitload of fuck fighting game ever made for the Ybox 3000. Didn’t they even test this shitty game before releasing it?

Under The Knife – Left 4 Head (wait what?)

By OD

(Quiet! I hear a splooger….)

Warning!

This review contains sexual content and shouldn’t be read by minors! There is no nudity included, but it is wise not to read this out in the open! You have been warned!

Hello fellow readers and staff of Healing Touch! I’m sure you are all wondering “What the hell is OD doing?”. Well in case any of you are left out of the internet and media loop, I am reviewing the video game parody porno known as “Left 4 Head”. Now you see here ladies and gentlemen, geeks don’t just play games, collect toys, and play and do geeky things. They get horny and they jack off just like what every man or woman would do in his or her daily life. Geeks are best known for working their junk around fictional characters, IE:  Hentai, slutty cos-players, good ol’ fashion parody porn and of course video game babes. So when I heard that my favorite team based survival horror game was turning into a porno. I just had to take a look at this, cause it was too hard to pass up. Sadly….I should of punched my inner geek in the face and avoided watching it. But then again, the laugh was all well worth it.

The Bastard Gamer: Tag Team Wrestling + Promo

By The Bastard Gamer

(Wrestling is fake and incredibly gay!)

Time for a bare bones review, no bells and whistles attached. We look at Tag Team Wrestling.

ROCK EDUCATION #1

RAY ROCKS. and he is prepared to give you a LESSON in ROCK EDUCATION…

 

fuck you link.

Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden is sexual chocolate

By Alpha
(good morning g1′s)

Ya know, fuck our usual protagonists. Metro sexual pretty boys and emotional brooding introverts have gone the way of cliche. Would you really depend on these types of characters to save the world from impending destruction? I think not. If I had to pick someone to stand behind in such a dire time, I would want to support a real man, a man’s man, a man like, like, like…. CHARLES BARKLEY! I could definitely see myself supporting a man like Sir Charles. A bullshit free, tough son of a bitch, with some heavy feet and a heavier tongue. Come to think of it, it’s a very rare thing to witness a main RPG protagonist these days with that type of personality. I think it’s safe to say that Square won’t be licensing Charles’s name anytime soon.

Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, Chapter 1 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa fucked me tenderly. It told me that I was beautiful, it whispered in my ear as it tenderly held itself close to my body, and it was sincere, as it excited me like no other game has before. Shut up and Jam: Gaiden in a word was spectacular! My past however, enhanced the experience to a biased and personally pleasurable level. For I was once a basketball junkie. Back in the mid 90′s, I would play basketball at school, at the church I grew up at, at the park, and anywhere really that I could play. I would dream about playing basketball, I would read about all of the players, I’d watch the games, and collect the cards. At a time, basketball was my life.

Under the Knife – MadWorld

By OD

(Go on Jack. Make us happy. Make your fans happy.)

Welcome to Death Watch! Only the baddest of the baddest motha fuckas come out alive in this game of death and violence! And I am your master of decapitations, the Bishop of Blood and Carnage! The Black Baron! So whats it gonna be Kill Seeker? You gonna take a bat and send some mo-fo’s into the bulls eye of a dart board?! Or take a bottle of bud and shake it nice and fast and go sending some punks sorry ass into a giant spike?! Maybe you prefer to be a little bit more creative! And instead you put a tire over the poor asshole, then stab a caution sign right through his head, and finish off the mother fucker by throwing him into a wall of spikes a la Rose Bush! Hell yeah pimps and players let’s start it and all you got to worry about is hitting it and quitin it! Ya feel me!

As you can already tell. I love MadWorld. I loved it so much that I impersonated as the Black Baron for a few seconds there. It would of worked if I didn’t run out of things of what the Black Baron would say. Okay enough about how much I love it, let’s see if this game can make you love it!

The Bastard Gamer: PO’d

By The Bastard Gamer

(Defending humanity with kitchen tools!)

Boy there are some shitty FPS games out there, I’m surprised this game didn’t actually kill it..

Under the Knife – House of the Dead: Overkill

By OD

(I’m gonna rip your mother fucking balls off!)

Put the kids to bed, lock your doors, make sure your profanity hating mother isn’t coming over, and make sure you have enough tissues to clean up the mess when you’re done with this game. House of the Dead is back, and holy shit it is packing more heat than the 4 other HotD titles!  Overkill is the face lift that the series needed, and it didn’t just get a face lift! It completely changed what HotD was! So who here is ready for some Zombie infested, gritty, oldschool, grind house gameplay?

Anyway, House of the Dead: Overkill was created by Headstrong games, a British gaming company who had a die hard obsession with the HotD games. SEGA gave the HotD title to Headstrong and on February 2009, everyone got a piece of what Headstrong games could do with zombies, chicks, profanity, and guns.

My magic bean has grown tall for Majora’s Mask

By Alpha
(more ehhh……)

What can I say about the Legend of Zelda that hasn’t been said before? The series has very rarely ever let me down. Every Zelda title I have ever purchased has at least lived up to it’s price. The series has helped inspire and just hands down elevate the world of video games. From kids dressing up as Link for Halloween to those nerdy mutha fuckas babbling about it’s genius design or it’s “bah bah bad ovverratted gaynezz”, the Legend of Zelda is quite the uhhhh….legend (laugh).

With all of that said, the Legend of Zelda rarely departs from it’s formula. The series manages to keep itself somewhat fresh with each new installment with updated graphics and gameplay mechanics (Ex. “Wow mom, I can finally swing a sword pressing the A button on horseback. I mean, using a bow with a C button was neato, but this is totally well, gollyriffic.”). I’m not saying this is horrible, at least Nintendo tries to change up a few things up. Essentially though, we are all just playing the same game over and over. Then again, that is why most of us have stuck to the series.

Commercial Break #3

By. HassMD
(What the hell happened to you?)

*cheap Commercial Break card*

 I’m too lazy to make a card right now, but not enough of a lazy bastard to watch 7 commercials. Which are good, Which are Bad? Please Enjoy this trainwreck, Featuring Comcast, Jack in the Box, and Sega CD.

Right after the break.

Spoiler Alert!: Watchmen

By GamerChris (He watched the…Alright that’s just gonna get old.)

If you can take your mind back far enough, you might remember an interview I did for one of the HealingTouch podcasts- Wish Come True: Miricle Surgery. In it, when asked about what’s next for me on the blog I said I would bring back an old article called ‘Spoiler Alert’.

Turns out, there was only one Spoiler Alert in existence. Whatever the case, after that interview I forgot about it. Until now.

Here is the revival and re-imagining of Spoiler Alert. Here I’ll be talking about the greatest spoilers of all time, and I thought a great place to start off is with Watchmen, probably the greatest graphic novel of all time.

And of course, spoilers ahead.

Misc. Geekery – Saturday Morning Watchmen

By OD

( Who watches the Watchmen?)

By now most of the Watchmen fans are dying to see the Watchmen film. So need something to compensate for the time being? Why not watch the Watchmen with a Saturday morning cartoon overtone? One word. Awesome. Very catchy and awesome to sum it up. Enjoy!

Original Flash

Trailer Anatomy – Watchmen (WATCHMEN WEEK)

by Beeslo

(echo echo echo echo echo)

Well here we are, less than 4 days away from the release of Watchmen, the highly anticipated adaptation of Alan Moore’s popular graphic novel. People are pumped up to see this movie…many of which have never even read the graphic novel. This isn’t a Batman or Superman type of superhero movie, considering that the source material is the only place you’ll find the characters that inhabit this movie…so why are non-comic book readers suddenly drawn to this movie? The trailers, duh. While recently the TV has been bombarded with several really well made TV spots, it was the trailers that first grabbed the attention of the unknowing public and made them crave Watchmen.

The Bastard Gamer: Street Fighter IV

By The Bastard Gamer

(You just got SHORYUKEN’D!)

Well I finally got to play the 4th installment in the most legendary game series ever made. Here’s my take on it.

Playing with yourself: Persona 3

By Alpha
(ehhh……)

Well hell, I guess motivation has hit me at quite an awkward time. There’s only 2 days left for this musing. Despite it, I think I’ll be able to write something out. So yes, “Playing With Yourself”, quite an easy phrase to poke fun at as an innuendo. We all know that it’s quite funny, but I’ll try my best to restrain from taking the low road.

I enjoy playing games with others, and I usually have a much more exciting and fun time doing so then playing alone. For me, the outside experience surrounding the game is what I take in and cherish most when I play a game with others. A one player game however tends to pull me inside, the experience within the game. Multiplayer or not, memories are made despite the number of folks on my couch.