So I am sitting here sipping my Diet coke (Motto: Hey, Don’t mess with us, We’re Diet Coke!), and I begin to ponder, why am I not a superhero, I can see it now, I am sitting around doing nothing, when suddenly the alarm goes off. The despond-wannabe “Destructor” has struck the first national bank, standing up, and making sure to pause my Sonic the Hedgehog game, I race to the scene to battle that vile villain. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:
Destructor: HAHAHAHA I got 92 billion dollars! Now I can live in luxury!
Me (after bashing through the wall): The Luxury of three days in Jail!
Destructor (Flabbergasted): The gamer of Justice, how how could…
Me (hits Destructor his fifty pound Power Pad): Take that wrong doer
Destructor (Waplam sound effect) Oooooh
Me: Seek him R.O.B.
R.O.B.: Error, Error, game not attached
Me: Damn you R.O.B. (Proceeds to beat the shit out of Destructor)
Me: Take that and if I see you do this again, you will have to sit through Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children
Destructor: You’re…you’re way more evil than I am! (he gasps at the cruelty)
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (I proceed to steal the 92 billion dollars)
So then I would fly back to my house and I’d unpause Sonic the Hedgehog and I’d sit there, sipping my Diet Coke, wondering what life would be like if I didn’t have super powers.
Super powers are great, you can do anything you want and call that a super power. Got an itch that you just can’t scratch? Call it the Super Itch! Got a pet monkey? Call it Jojo: the Super Ape. Have a love for 10 year old boys? Then call yourself Michael Jackson!
I do gotta wonder about super heroines, I mean look at Wonder Woman (Motto: Bondage fan since 1958), just by getting her to lay do and let you tie her up, you could do what you want to her and she would have to take it, and smile, she seems to get into more traps than any other superhero; except Robin, but the type of traps he gets into can get Bruce Wayne in trouble with child services.
So my point? My point is this: Diet Coke makes a superhero awesome. That is all.
Update: So Spider-man (motto: Emoing the world up since the 60s) has had the past 20 years of life erased because of Aunt May (Whose like what, 200,000,000 years old now), who was the dumbshit that let the bullet hit her. So what do they do? They go emo and go worship Satan and get him to save Aunt May by giving up their “True Love”(Which is what, worse than say Peter and Mary divorcing? (and them willing to give up their love with each other for an old hag means that maybe their love not so true after all).
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I CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!